I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
