It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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