why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
