I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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