How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
