Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
