I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
