I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
