Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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