Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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