Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
