I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
