Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
