Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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