Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
