This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I FOUND THE LEGS
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
