I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
