I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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