I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
