Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Randomize
