I'm so fucking centered right now
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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