So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
