i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
As shirtless as possible
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
