watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
A+ Viking dick
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
