I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
