I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
