i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And then my night got REAL pukey
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
