the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Last time i carry you out of a forest
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
