I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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