I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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