I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
