I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
