My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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