felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
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