"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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