he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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