Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
my liver is dry heaving
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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