This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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