I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
