if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So many bounce houses so little time
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
