i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
