Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
