tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
