just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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