Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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