i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Randomize
