Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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