i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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