ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
