Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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